WHEN IT HITS TOO CLOSE TO HOME
Yuri Temirkanov edition
When Yuri Temirkanov died a couple years ago, I didn’t have any public words. And while I had at that time a lot of public words about other things, I had none about him at the time of his death.
Now, of course, plenty of people around Baltimore did have lots of words—nice ones—when he died. And they hit me hard. Since we “don’t speak ill of the dead,” I knew that meant the statute of limitations had then expired on addressing his comments. He went down as a great guy and great conductor, and I never stood in the way.
I never addressed what the man said publicly because I was not able to reconcile my feelings about him with what he did. Here’s an excerpt from something I wrote the day he died in an email after someone made a statement about his death which I felt was speaking for me in a way I objected to:
When I was playing trial weeks with the BSO, I was told Temirkanov was a big misogynist and would never hire a woman first oboe player. Well, he did. While I was never invited to the drinking, smoking, and eating (and who knows what else) events my male colleagues were, he was supportive to me dealing with an absolutely terrible colleague—one the BSO would fire for cause decades later.
I remember some absolutely white-hot concerts, and I remember him pushing me to the full extent of my capacity, and that was thrilling. The concerts were so thrilling, in fact, that I did not believe when he was in the press making the following statements. I thought there was a translation problem:
Yes, women can be conductors. I am not against them conducting. But I simply don’t like it...I don’t know if it’s God’s will, or nature’s, that women give birth and men do not. That’s something that no one takes offense at. But if you say that a woman can’t conduct, then everyone’s offended. As Marx said, in response to the question ‘What’s your favorite virtue in a woman?’—’Weakness.’ And this is correct. The important thing is, a woman should be beautiful, likable, attractive. Musicians will look at her and be distracted from the music!...The essence of the conductor’s profession is strength. The essence of a woman is weakness.
My positive feelings for the man did not enable me to believe this was a real statement. After all, he had hired me when people said he’d never hire a woman. But of course, we all know he said these things. Even I know it now1. There were other statements too, one about fish that still sticks with me.2
If you want to read the full communication, I had to redact a lot of it, but it is here in its heavily redacted form:
I didn’t respond publicly to his misogynist comments in 2013, because I was still a Good Girl then, and not upon his death in 2023 either. Have a look at this picture, and the one before. Look at me.
I thank God that what I said when I was contacted by a PR representative hired to deal with his comments in 2013 never got printed anywhere. They were really trying to wring a good statement out of me. I remember feeling sick at the time, reading the news about his comments. I remember feeling hamstrung. I remember not believing the comments, and thinking there was a translation problem. I wanted to defend Yuri. This was my reflex. But I also knew the man understood and could speak English perfectly well enough when he wanted to. I remember saying I never felt any misogyny from him to the hired PR help. I don’t believe in God, but I thank her anyway for not publishing that last part anywhere. After all, I was the one of just two female principals he hired in Baltimore, the other being principal second violin. Wouldn’t it have been beautiful for The System if I had said in the press that I never felt any misogyny from him?
And the truth was I did not feel misogyny then because I was blind to it. It was not affecting me personally because I had managed to succeed with him despite his misogyny. Look at me in the photos. I felt special and proud. I felt good. I felt like I was “high quality.” It’s why I engaged in the lengthy phone conversation with the PR representative to come up with a statement. Praise be, seriously, that it never got printed. Because I want to throw up now thinking about it.
I’m embarrassed to say that if he came back to life today and I were having vodka and cigarettes and coke with him (though I know he’d never invite me to that because #woman), I’d still probably fawn all over him, at least a little, even this Queen of Filth. I respected his musicianship greatly and I’m grateful to him for giving me a job.
What I didn’t know when I was smiling for the camera, with the shiny glint of power-adjacency and hero-worship in my eye, was that his misogyny was affecting me. It just hit too close to home for me to see, because of the brainwashing I received throughout my classical music education and into my middle age.
That these statements went unaddressed by every American orchestral institution shows you the extent of the problem. It is not just about one man and his misogynist remarks. It’s about what is acceptable everywhere, at nearly every orchestra and educational institution around the world. My orchestra allowed these remarks to stand, with no comment, even while their first woman music director was employed and on the podium. Of course they did.
It should have never been a surprise to me that a place which would allow these comments to pass would also have had a problematic institutional response to dealing with sexual harassment. The orchestra’s concertmaster asked me for sex and retaliated against me when I declined. There was no sexual harassment policy at the time, so all they cared about was what was “criminal.” They told me not talk about it and seemingly accepted his lie when he said he never asked for sex. They asked me to sign a confidentiality agreement before they would investigate again and wouldn’t allow union representation in the room with me. They didn’t mention the concertmaster’s name when interviewing my colleague, but just tried to get him to say that I, Katherine Needleman, the one complaining about retaliation for declining sex, am “difficult.” This is all described in my EEOC charge.
And it should have never been a surprise to me that even women supported this problematic response, some going to great lengths (including lying and avoiding investigators) to avoid the uncomfortable truth about a man and an institution they respect and have gratitude for.
And it should be no surprise that Vasily Petrenko felt empowered to say similar things to what Yuri said, out loud and in the press, about women conductors. After all, he probably grew up idolizing Temirkanov too. Yuri Temirkanov was one of the Biggest BFMs of Russian conducting, and very fucking good at it when he was on.
And it should be no surprise that the biggest orchestras continue to hire Vasily Petrenko preferentially over many at-least-as-excellent women conductors, despite what he said about women conductors.
And it should be no surprise that hardly any orchestras in the world hire women conductors at reasonable levels.
And it should be no surprise that hardly any of the world’s biggest orchestras employ women in principal positions in such a way, in such numbers, where they might feel comfortable to speak to their own experiences without feeling the need to protect the men around them. Most are so marginalized that they can’t even recognize the mental gymnastics they do every day to even show up. That was Good Girl me with the PR representative back in 2013, just maybe without the “world’s biggest” part.
We can respect people and institutions, and we can even love them. And they can also commit misogynist (and criminal, and racist, and ableist, etc.) acts. All of those things can be true, all together at the same time. Saying he/they “didn’t do this to me,” and “I had a positive experience,” and “I didn’t experience any misogyny there” or “I studied with him and he didn’t rape me,” or “you are saying unfair words about my BFM,” doesn’t address the harm done by these men and institutions who are not fully perfect, even if we worship them as heroes. In my experience, making those sort of excuses comes from a very ugly place.
This quote is from an article by Tim Smith in the Baltimore Sun from March 18, 2016.
A few years ago, you were quoted as saying that you did not believe women should conduct. That caused controversy and led to some protests. Just for the record, what is your view about women on the podium?
Yes, women can be conductors. I am not against them conducting. But I simply don’t like it. There are women boxing and weightlifting; they can do that. But I don’t like watching. It is only my taste. We all have different tastes. For example, I don’t eat fish.